Goin Deep
(And all things concerning hard conversations and kids and disabilities.)
I’m going to tell ya that the first thing kids pick up on are what makes people unique. Kids pick up on “oh I have that shirt too!” and “why does your nose look funny?!” With very small filters, and big wide hearts and minds for the world, kids are cravers of information and connoisseurs of all things brain building. Kids are ready to try and understand, and they will openly point out all they experience in their own ways and personalities in order to do so!
Here are a few tips that will guide the important conversations you have with your kids about other kids and people with disabilities.
1. LET YOUR KIDS SEE THE DIFFERENCES!!! It's OK when kids recognize that people are different. It's incredibly important to know that we can see our differences as what makes us capable of uniting and working together as PEOPLE! Shushing or shaming kids when they see these differences often reiterates that differences aren’t acceptable, shouldn't be talked about, or aren’t okay to even acknowledge.
2. DISABILITY ISN’T SOMETHING TO BE PITIED. Most people with disabilities don’t want to be pitied! Those with disabilities, just like everyone else, want to KNOW AND FEEL their value and worth! So how do you do that? One way is by acknowledging the strengths of a person when describing them. Instead of saying, “you know the person i’m talking about, the Down Syndrome kid?”. You could say, “you know, the kid that is SO awesome at giving hugs!” We recognize disability and place value on character and personality.
3. YOU DON'T NEED TO HAVE THE ANSWER! Often I hear little kids ask “why do they do______?” or “why do they act like_____?” in an effort to understand the differences they see. Instead of trying to explain something you haven't lived or experienced, open up the conversation by saying things like, “I don’t know, but we can ask ___(person they are asking about)!”. Or “ I’m not sure, and that’s okay. How ‘bout we find out how we can be their friend?!”. Acknowledge that you don’t have all the answers for someone else’s life, and encourage relationships that include and make space for belonging. The big picture is never about explaining away a disability, the big picture is finding words that place VALUE AND WORTH ON PEOPLE. The big picture is about FACILITATING RELATIONSHIP even if that looks different than what we’re used to!
4. TALK ABOUT BIG PICTURE in every available opportunity. The BIG PICTURE is that we are ALL created with VALUE AND WORTH because we are created in the image of the MOST CREATIVE GOD. It’s not about “God has a reason for _____disability “ or “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle so this person with _______ disability was meant to ‘handle’ it”. It’s always about reminding our kids that GOD made us all, and because of that, we treat EVERYONE with VALUE. The “reason” for disability fades in the light of the WORTH that we have as HUMAN BEINGS. We treat people like we want to be treated because we share the EXACT SAME VALUE based on the fact that we are created by the EXACT SAME GOD.
5. SHOW WORTH THROUGH OUR ACTIONS. Look people in the eye, even if they can’t look back. Speak in age appropriate tone, despite assumed cognitive development. Speak directly TO people, not about them when they are or aren’t around. Nobody wants to be talked about behind their back! Assume you don’t know everything, be willing to learn, and open to asking. You might get it wrong, be okay with getting it wrong. When you get it wrong, you’ll learn how to adjust for the next time around. The moment we think we know about someone else’s world, is the moment we exclude and take away the opportunity to create space for the people in our lives to thrive.
Ignoring or not addressing conversations with kids about people who are different than they are will leave kids to fill in the gap with what they consume from their experiences and what they hear. The result is a worldview that is often highly misguided and misinformed instead of one that allows your child to be the difference maker in the world. Learn about disabilities from those who have disabilities. Be willing to learn, make mistakes, and grow. Assume you don’t know it all, and lead with KINDNESS and EMPATHY. Friends, you are a force for change! Be the spark that re-writes the narrative. BE. THE. CHANGE.
YOU’VE GOT THIS!