A 5 step crash course in “How to Support Families who have kids with Additional Needs”
(and all things pertaining to loving people in general)
It's amazing how every kiddo in the universe is different and unique! It's even more amazing how every family based on a gazillion factors looks and functions differently on top of their kiddos all being unique and different! So, just like every family with all the different variables that create their unit is incredibly unique in their makeup, every family’s journey and perspective and season in life is unique too! A Special Needs family is no different! Just like we can’t put a family unit into a box labeled with a stereotype, we can’t and shouldn’t squish a family who has kiddos with additional needs into a box of stereotypes! There also isn’t one way that parents and families need support. Support and encouragement and help will shift and morph depending on the need, the season, and a whole bunch factors.
So, if we can’t stereotype and if everyone is different, then what CAN we do as a starting point, a baseline, that allows us to open the door for loving on and supporting parents and families of kiddos with special needs? And why does it even matter that we support families who have kids with special needs in the first place?
First of all: GRACE, GRACE, GRACE, GRACE, GRACE!!!!!!! Parent’s who are on this crazy wild beautifully hard journey are learning how to do and be MUCH more than just what meets the eye. When a momma has been up 6 times the night before giving meds, checking oxygen, cleaning up bed pads, comforting, redirecting, and overall being the eyes and ears and voice of their kiddo, there’s a chance they might be absent minded, or FEEL like they keep forgetting things, and when they feel these things, show GRACE. Or maybe when a kiddo is having a full blown sensory processing overload that just looks like a massive tantrum to some, and mom and dad are working through a process with their child to bring him back to a balanced place, SHOW GRACE. Most parents already feel like they can’t seem to do enough, or are constantly “behind” in keeping up on resources, or finding help, or self-care, or are tired, or they are in a ‘winning’ season where they’ve found a flow and don’t need negativity messing with it. In whatever season or part of the journey these parents are in, SHOW GRACE. Until you have walked in their shoes, done and lived exactly the life they are living, all you have to give is SO MUCH GRACE. It doesn’t mean you can’t relate, it simply means, SHOW GRACE!
ADVICE….IS NOT WHAT A PARENT WITH A CHILD WITH ADDITIONAL NEEDS ACTUALLY WANTS OR NEEDS! Unless asked for it, leave advice and experiences at the door. Come with a listening ear and a willingness to learn and simply be present. Parents with kids who have special needs are often in a constant state of learning and information gathering, from multiple therapists, doctors, specialists, and more. Information is not necessarily the first thing parent’s need more of. What families could ALWAYS use is grace filled hearts and listening ears. (again, advice is wonderful WHEN IT’S ASKED FOR!)
ASK! When unsure how to approach a child, or a family or parents in general, ASK! Sometimes it's easier and more comfortable to avoid and ignore, but that only breeds exclusive behavior! When you’re not sure, error on the side of simply ASKING. Not knowing is nothing to feel guilty about! Learning and growing through asking opens the door to knowing - so ask!
GETTING IT RIGHT ISN’T THE GOAL! We're not gonna get it right all the time! And that’s okay! Letting go and getting past the FEAR of not getting it right will allow you to LOVE and SUPPORT PEOPLE. If we become paralyzed by the fear of “getting it wrong” we’re never going to grow, and people aren’t going to be loved. Step past the fear, and if you DO get it wrong, apologize, adjust, learn, and move forward.
RETARDED is NOT an okay word anymore! Start changing your vocabulary and in doing so, become the change in making an inclusive space in an exclusive world. Words that label people “retarded”, is most often used in a negative context, and subjective based on your perspective. Instead of using words that are negatively connected to diagnosis, BE THE CHANGE by using life giving words to describe! We are fighting hard to create SPACE for our kids, words matter and are a huge step towards change.
Why does any of this matter to you? If you aren’t affected, why care? Learning how to love, support and encourage families who have kids with additional needs is about being Jesus to PEOPLE. It's about being Jesus to ALL PEOPLE, not just the people who are LIKE US. The world is BIG, and the people in it (EVERY SINGLE PERSON) created with value and worth in the Image of JESUS. When we ignore a person because we “can’t relate” or “they aren’t like us”, we ignore all that Jesus commanded us to be! (Matthew 22:37-40) So let's have open hearts, willing minds, and truck loads of GRACE to give.
Every time YOU show up, you give JESUS the opportunity to use YOU.