3 Practical Tips for Marriage While Special Needs Parenting: How We Do Us
My man and I were able to be a part of a marriage retreat a few weekends ago - and it was awesome sauce! We went to Pismo, lead some worship with some amazing couples, and breathed in the fresh salty air ( coming from the smog of Fresno to the ocean breeze of Pismo was like experiencing an adrenaline rush after a run -and I could BREATHE!)
Since we've started this whole parent deal, Joe and I have had to grow consistently in our capacity, and we’ve also had to learn to grow in our capacity for how we do US together. Our lives together have taken on quite a few potential “stresses” over the past ten years that could have threatened us by pulling us in every direction other than towards each other.
This blog post is specifically about parenting special needs and doin the marriage thang - So, how do we do special needs and US? Here are a few things we have learned and keep learning daily on how to keep us, well - US.
1). intentionally We
The most important thing we’ve learned in our ten years of being married ( I am speaking from the experience of 10 years, so stay tuned for the revised version 30 years from now !)
Is that we are and HAVE to be INTENTIONAL about putting each other first (above kids, above jobs, above ministry, above extended family)
That intentionality has looked different throughout our journey - but however it looks or has looked, my job is and always has been to make sure that he knows that he is the most important - and he is doing the same back , which makes for living in a pretty awesome place.
Everyone has a lot going on, everyone has a crazy life, but my life is lived with him and his life is lived with me - so we’re pretty darn determined to treat and show and do whatever we need to in order to keep the thing we value the most and the thing that is going to need to last the longest at the top of the priority list.
Raising a family that includes four little people, special or additional abilities, and all the wonderful things that make our life’s adventures , are forced into their rightful place in our lives when we keep each other FIRST. The kids don't come first, hobbies don't come first, friends don't come first, expectations don't come first - WE DO.
It’s not easy to be intentional towards each other consistently. we have some "extras", whether its advocating for Lij in a world that doesn't always see him for just HIM, or dealing with insurances, therapy's, appointments, or academics (in a culture that's learning to adjust but has a long way to go when kids don't "fit the mold"), that fight for our attention. it’s not always very clean cut or very organized, it looks different all the time, and we’ve had MANY, MANY convos to make it all happen - but we are aware and constantly checking in intentionally on our first place spot .
2). Protecting First Place
Like all things good, marriage doesn't thrive just cuz everything arrives on a little fairy cloud with glitter and fairy dust as a perfect little package. Lots of circumstances and situations change the game - its how we adjust and prepare ourselves that set US up for success.
For instance, having a child with additional abilities might equate to something like additional time spent researching development, looking for opportunities to be involved in, learning about groups, making plans, advocating with doctors, teachers, and therapists, discovering new techniques or meds, follow-ups to the follow-ups that weren't followed up on, and the list goes on.
We have the potential to get lost in the "pulls" of all the things and let our US slide down to the bottom of the ladder- away from each other's first place spot.
Life and people and things will constantly be looking for an "in" to that first place spot - the spot that's just for the two of you - Protect it at all costs! I will fire as many green and red shells (Mario Cart - stay with me), and throw as many lightning rods I need to in order to protect OUR spot. Our spot doesn't belong to anyone else, and no one else or anything else is allowed in that first place.
3). Always choosing US
We aren’t in love because we fell we fell into a pit called love and now we’re just happily stuck there. We CHOSE Each other to love from day one, and we are choosing each day to put each other first. Let me tell you, there are a thousand things fighting for that first place (visual of playing Mario cart again , I’m Princess Peach , obvs, and there’s all these banana peels and go-carts and lighting zaps trying to take first place from from us )
We can take on Type One Diabetes, and our baby having open heart surgery, and all of our babies coming prematurely, and homeschooling, and homeschooling that involves additional needs, and whatever else is coming. We can take it on TOGETHER because it’s me and him, CHOOSING each other above the circumstance and situations that hit us head on.
4). HOW we do
We’ve done weekly date nights for a long time (thank you Jesus for incredible family and friends that have made those possible). Those dates are usually as simple as going to see a movie on five-dollar Tuesdays with a stop at Wahoos right before. When weekly dates aren’t as feasible, we do small getaways. When we aren’t able to make small getaways happen, we make time after the kids go down just for us.
The point is , however it looks - a gift, a surprise coffee, an extra long kiss (with potential possibilities, wink wink), a dinner out, a cuddle in the couch , we are setting aside time, thoughts, and actions for just US. Jobs change, kids grow up (additional needs or not), friends move on - your person, the one person who is doing this lifetime with you, would, in my book, be the person to invest in the most out of everything else on my list of priorities.
We Do US, our marriage, while special needs parenting, in the same way we always have - with intentionality and purpose.
Remember, our HOW is not gonna be the same as your HOW. Sure, you can get ideas from others on how to show each other that you are the most important, but your personalities, likes, dislikes, how you work together, those potential "stresses" that find their way to you, are all gonna be different than the marriage next to ya - so do you, do the TEAM that YOU TWO are - CHOOSE each other with INTENTIONALITY, PROTECT, have fun, and hold on cuz doing life with your best friend is gonna get even crazier than you might think!
Comment below!
What Are some practical ways you find and create intentionality in your marriage? I'd love to hear!